Beatrice, Maude & Me – a GeriHatTrick!

So, yesterday after “Matlock” I popped a few V’s and went down to the local VFW to grab a few BOFs and check out the ladies .  Well by the time I got down there, the V’s started kickin’ in, and that had me feeling like a regular Phil Mickelson. 

5  BOFs later, I brought these two hotties back to the retirement village.   Beatrice and Maude were their names, and boy let me tell you, I haven’t had an orgy like that since Korea!

I knew I was pulling off one crazy GeriHatTrick when we broke my walker, but stuff got really out of control later when I accidentally started doing Maude on top of the nurse call button and the hospice nurse walked in!  I asked her if she wanted to join in, but I think she was too busy crying and screaming to hear me.  Oh well, she’ll get her chance another time! 

-Geri

Geriatric Jargon

Here are a few of my favorite Sexy Geriatric Jargon Terms defined:

GeriHatTrick – A 3-some involving senior citizens. (Also my namesake.)

 SGS – Silent Generation Swinger. (To whom our website is dedicated.)

BOF – Brandy Old-Fashioned. (Drink of choice for SGSs world-wide.)

BK – Before Korea.

AK – After Korea.

V – Viagra.

Korea Was A Bitch

When I’m sitting on my favorite stool at the local VFW, getting my betting sheet ready for the 3pm visit to the nearest OTB, I like to use the pen my oldest pal Johnny gave me when we were fighting in Korea. It’s got a picture of a lady, some flapper dame, and when you turn it upside down her clothes float up and off her revealing a bush you could hide a VCR in. I’m not sure what that phrase means, or why you’d want to hide one of those giant VCR’s in a lady, but my grandchild Rick was saying that last night during the Sunday Night Johanson Clan Silent Dinner and Awkward Conversation and I suppose it’s true of my pen lady. But that’s neither here nor there. No, the fact of the matter at hand is that Korea was a bitch.

I drove a jeep around that country for two years. Territory changed hands like a Chicago Cardinals football game, but with wounded GI’s all over the field and no “Million Dollar Backfield.” Then, one day in July of 1953, Truman, that SOB, called a truce and we packed up and left like my son’s family does every Thanksgiving. At least Truman let everyone know before he left, I suppose, unlike Percy Jr., but the disappointment was all the same. And all I had to show for it was a pen with a naked lady with lots of pubes. What a bitch that was.

-Percy “Where’d My Kid Split To?” Johanson

I Hate Your Son’s Wheelies

You know what really rankles my feathers? These darned kids and their stupid shoes with the wheels on them. Back in my day, you were damn grateful if your parents bought you a nice wooden block to play Blockies with. Now, these damn ragamuffins think Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence so every little shitpube can glide in front of my Sunny Green Oak’s condo window. You’re no Nathanial Niles’s , you’re all just a bunch of ninnies with weak willed parents who think buying you those fancy-schmancy shoes will keep you from burning the family dog or touching stoves. Guess what? I bet most of those kids with the wheelies will be taking over for the current generation of kids standing on the corner of Malaise Road and Ungrateful Avenue. Get a damn job and stop twirling like a pansy!

-Percy “Fuck Them Wheelies” Johanson

Geri Hattrick

Hi,
I am Geri.  I am a swingin’ 87-year-old playboy from Tampa, Florida.  I live in the Swaying Oaks retirement community, where I enjoy the company of several lady-friends.  My favorite activities include watching “Matlock,” drinking Brandy Old-Fashioneds down by the pool, listening to Benny Goodman, snorting Viagras, and picking up chicks on Jello night (no teeth, no problem!).

Old Man Quarterly will be a blog page dedicated to Silent Generation Swingers like me.  This is a place where we can all share our experiences together and maybe even learn a thing or two.  That being said, sit back, put on your favorite Duke Ellington record, pour yourself a stiff drink, and enjoy.

My Grandchild Set This Blog Up

Rick’s a nice kid. He’s got an arm like a 6th grade girl after a jump rope competition, but he makes up for his faggy-ness by helping his gramps write on the internets. I’m going to write to all you whippersnappers about my life and why you’re all stupid for not listening to me. If you’ve got a problem with something I write, go tell your ungrateful mom. I just got off her.

-Percy